Prayers Needed

This is the hardest post I may have to write.

Our family has been dealt a devastating blow today and we request your prayers. We received test results today indicating the baby we had planned to adopt, our Ellie, has a medical issue that as a family we do not feel prepared to handle. We do not feel it is appropriate to expound more on that as it is her personal story and truly not ours to share. However, what is ours to share is the pain and loss we are feeling as we have decided that we are unable to accept the referral of this beautiful baby. We ask that you are supportive should you choose to leave a comment as we are not emotionally up to defending our decision at this point. We are emotionally not up to much. All three of us have sobbed and held one another through this grief that has felt immensely like a death. It is a death -- the death of the dream of our life with this precious child.

We did not make this decision lightly. We have considered our lives as a family and her life and how the two would inter-relate and have determined that we are just not able to parent her in the way she will require. We are broken.

In this brokenness, however, we are held up and together by the God who met us in that room with the test results. He was with me in the car on the way there as I prayed to be able to accept anything they might find. He has held us when we cried. I spent the afternoon reading the Bring the Rain blog and sobbing with her loss and her worship of God through it all. God reminded me through the one hour drive back from the orphanage of the verse He shared with the me other day today: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths. I have searched for His purpose in this and have found that the "missionary work" our family might have been called to do during this two week period was to love on a sick little girl. I read, again on the Bring the Rain blog of her realization that Either You Do or You Don't (trust in God). God talked to me about this on our trip back today and through tears I admitted I do. I will trust Him. It is my choice. Does it make our pain less -- no, not really, but it does help me accept something I can't understand at all. It doesn't mean I don't question, "Why?". I surely do. It means that no matter what the answer to that question, I have to believe in His authority and superiority in making decisions for our lives.

We are in constant prayer for this little one -- that she gets the medical treatment she needs and hopefully finds a family who is more equipped to handle her needs.

Our agency is in the process of searching for another referral for us. We are unsure when this will happen. We do know that we will travel home as scheduled on Sunday. This has been especially hard on Josh. How do you explain this to a ten-year-old who was in love with a baby that should have been his sister? Life lessons like this one shouldn't have to be learned so early.

We appreciate your support of us at this time. We covet your prayers and understanding if we are a bit withdrawn for a while. We need just a little time to grieve.